It has been a really slow leap~

Hello, leap year. We see you again.

{disclaimer: not so positive vibes ahead. Skip if you ain’t the mood.}

The last leap day had been an unpleasant one and I vividly recall the day’s details. No idea why sometimes unhappy memories can’t seem to be flushed out of your brain. I was still in New Zealand then, kind of in my final 2-3 weeks of travel before my visa expired and I had to leave. It was in Wellington and my friend drove to see the Hollywood-inspired ‘Wellington’ sign. As always, the wind was blowing at crazy speeds and I received a WhatsApp message from a close friend who informed me that her father passed on suddenly in the morning. It was a complete surprise as there weren’t any signs/indications prior and it was kind of a sudden death. That incident made me realise how fragile life was and that I was not ready and did not want to be situated far from home for a prolonged period. Hopefully, I will have a more positive and memorable leap year which can replace this unhappy memory of mine.

I had been quiet since the start of the year as I feel like my brain is in a complete mess. I do have some issues in my life right now and somehow, I can’t figure out how to compartmentalize my issues away and focus on the other things that keep me happy. It kind of got really bad a couple of weeks ago when I started having bad sleep and dreams – the type where you lay the whole day in bed only to wake up feeling drained and exhausted. – and that feeling really sucks. I prefer to have things and my emotions under control but somehow my subconscious is overtaking my rational thoughts when I’m asleep, or when I’m left alone in my thoughts. Yea, I am deliberately being vague about the issues in my life (maybe I can talk about it more openly when it is over, if it does get over), but somehow or another, I think it has introduced a whole level of stress which I have not been facing for a really long time.

Well, I think my ‘coping mechanism’ these past two months had been to keep myself busy and distracted. In the past 8 weeks I have crocheted 3 usable bags and a couple of small items, usually while listening to audio books as I have this habit of multitasking. Since the start of  the year, I’ve completed 9 books and I don’t think I’ve ever been so ‘intense’ in reading (audio listening) in my whole life. I guess I’m just somehow trying to achieve ‘mini goals’ amidst all the mess of emotions I have within me. A week ago, I started this random obsession with ‘bazi’ and ‘qimen’ reading – the one that can forecast/predict your life based on the date and time you were born. I spent many nights watching through an insane load of YouTube videos and Zoom sessions trying to decipher and understand my chart and guessing my own reading based on huge assumptions and high tendency of using ‘confirmation bias’ to agree with whatever analysis I might be making. It is a slippery slope and I’m trying to get myself to stop soon. My friends have observed that I’m just talking about it too much and associating many things in life to my birth chart which is pretty nonsense and unnecessary. I have yet to do a professional reading (still thinking about it), but I guess it’s always easier to put the blame on ‘destiny’ rather than trying to find the answers within myself. I guess I am probably having such an interest in metaphysics because of the inherent issues that are surfacing in my life – which I am not able to have any control over.

Then again, on a more lighthearted note is that it is the Chinese New Year season – Happy Lunar New Year to you if you’re celebrating – and I’m glad to be meeting my friends and family during this festive period. There are days that I acknowledge my weirdness and feel thankful that I still have friends who want to keep in touch with me. The wood dragon is pretty much an awkward year as dragons are not meant to be stuck in the woods but let’s see what this year brings for us.

For now, I do have one confirmed holiday planned next month – something I booked intentionally before an announcement – as I knew I would not have the mood to travel after that but guess what, it has been 4 weeks on and I still do not have the mood to travel but, the air tickets are already booked which means that I’m obligated to make that trip happen and hopefully it would be a mood booster rather than being a burden and being a downpourer to my friend. No one can predict the future so it’s still up to me to improve my mood.

Decided to keep this post short as I don’t want my brain to go spiraling down into a slippery slope again and tomorrow is Monday – reminding myself always that one more day of work is one more day of income 🙂

Hope things are better over on your side and hope your leap month would a smooth sailing one!