Hopefully writing can ward off the bad luck~~

I guess it is pretty rare that I actually have such a sad title as my blog post but yea today was really a bad day because I actually tripped and injured my toe at home. Initially, when it happened, i tried to internalize the pain and iced it for a while, thinking that an injured toe wasn’t a big deal. I was still on the fence about attending my pilates class later at night and I started trying to figure out if my usual pilates move will involve the usage of my big toe.

While there was no bleeding or damaged toenails, the lump kind of felt really hard compared to my other toe and I braced myself for the worse but continued to work through the afternoon (it’s my work from home day), thinking that time will heal but sadly, the condition worsened after a couple of hours and my toe bruising became purple. It was ‘dark red’ initially when it first happened. Few more hours later, the bruise and dark spots expanded and now I have a 70% blue-black toe which I need to refrain from adding pressure on. I tried to ice it further just now but I don’t know if that would end up numbing my toe further so I’ve stopped the ice for now and.. I’m here writing this.

There was an uncanny feeling after I got injured as my niece also sprained her ankle yesterday; plus, my other nice had this ‘hole’ on her leggings and I asked her mum why did that hole happen and she said that niece 2 is quite clumsy and always fall even when there’s nothing at all – which was why her pants/leggings keep getting holes in them (and she doesn’t want to throw them away cause its still comfy). So when I got injured, the first thing I thought of like, oh gawd, does clumsiness run in the family and did I somehow “manifest” an injury cause I was thinking about it?

That’s not the end actually. Over the weekend, I decided to watch this horror K-drama called Revenant (FYI, I am really bad with horror and I have no idea why I decide to start watching it). On the first night I watched, I actually gave up on episode 1 at the 40th-minute mark because it was late at night and I do get easily disturbed by bad thoughts from such shows. Somehow, I chose to continue watching the next day (during day time, and at fast-forwarded speed with skips and low volume and scary moments) and I managed to catch up to the latest episode. It gets less scary as the episode goes by because the story gets interesting and you’re more invested in the ‘why’ rather than the fear itself. But guess what, I had a nightmare that very night – where I dreamt of a ‘near death experience’ which involves an earthquake, building collapsing and firebombs everywhere and I was struggling to survive and wondering if ‘this is it’, but then suddenly everything got reverted back to normal in my dream and the next anxiety was about how my luggage went missing (from all that chaos earlier) and without my luggage, I couldn’t go to the airport – and risk missing my flight back to Singapore. I think I was in Korea but I can’t remember for sure. Anyway, so in my dream I was dying to go to the toilet but I was afraid that my luggage would come when I was in the toilet so I held it in. I woke up after receiving a notification on my phone saying that the ‘check-in counter’ was close and I had indeed missed my flight, which was why I could ‘wake up’ for real and go to the toilet to pee. Also, during the dream, I was also researching on what was the next flight that could bring me back home cause I had to work the next day ><

The whole dreams and nightmares were really annoying as a couple of weeks ago, I was still ‘praising’ my subconscious mind for not having dreams ever since I came back from Korea in early June. Somehow, every time where I think of or say such thoughts, the ‘thing’ that I really don’t want will happen. It is really annoying but urgh, it could just be a coincidence or my subconscious mind likes to rebel against my logical mind. I recall prior to going Korea, there were nights that I couldn’t fall asleep easily and I bought this lavender room spray which helped to aid me in sleeping easily. Then, when I went to Korea, I had no issues falling asleep but I had many issues with disrupted sleep as the air was so dry and I kept drinking water throughout the night which also means that I woke up multiple times (before my alarm rang) just to pee and drink more water. I don’t recall having any dreams in Korea as well – so I thought it was good that I was having quality albeit disrupted sleep. So anyway, post-Korea, I also slept more hours and had better quality sleep. Well, I thought that the travel fatigue was making me tired and my body needed that extra rest so I was feeling rather happy that I was able to sleep more and not feel too ‘lethargic’ about it. (If you oversleep beyond your necessary hours, there can be days when you feel even more tired than before.) Then fast forward to a couple of weeks back, I somehow found myself having to be hospitalized and go under anaesthesia for a mini-op which I shall not elaborate and post-op, I continued with my high quality and long hours of sleep and it was just last week where I was telling my friend how it was nice to not be disturbed by dreams/nightmares for a while – and then this whole nonsense happened.

In all honesty, the recent two months haven’t exactly been great for me for reasons I shall not elaborate but basically, there were really days where I feel really low in energy. Sometimes it doesn’t last the whole day, it can come in random moments like for a few hours before something comes and distract my mind away from thinking negatively. Well, I am thankful that I have read quite a number of therapy books in the past few covid years and I do think about how I can cheer myself up and.. writing this is a distraction from the pain in my toe. It is true that no one can be happy and positive 100% of the time and I’m glad that I’ve learned to let some bad/negative feelings sink in sometimes to make me realise that life is really full of ups and downs. To have a variety of emotions is somehow a part of making you ‘human’ and to experience the lows once in a while can help to negate the impact of a really low drop (if it happens unfortunately). It is better to have mini ups and downs, than to go up, up, up and up and then when you have a big ‘down’, your heart/mind/subconscious mind and sanity might not be able to take it. Thus, even though this period had not been super smooth in terms of mental strength and energy, I’m trying to take this in positively as this is helping me in building up for a longer race.

It has been less than 12 hours since the injury and I guess I’m over reacting to everything but in all honesty, the toe remains ‘pain’. I usually have a high endurance for pain and for me to say that something is pain means my nerves are still alive and there’s no broken bones right? But oh wells who knows, dr Google (from many sources) say to ice, raise and monitor. Doctor visit is advisable if the swelling doesn’t stop over the next few days plus the recovery may take weeks or even months. At this point in time, I’m somewhat thankful that I don’t have any overseas trips lined up. A few weeks ago, I realised that it was really an awkward phase in my life where I don’t have any upcoming planned vacations. I don’t know if the low energy caused the lack of enthusiasm but I can always find a reason not to travel at this point in time. I am feeling very confused at the realization that I am not motivated to travel. I would love to visit Japan but from all the social media scrollings which showcased an overcrowded japan with long queues everywhere – I’m not too certain if I want to be part of the crowd. Furthermore, after my trip to Australia last year, I concluded that it is not really a country that I enjoy much so.. I think I’m keeping it off my plans until there’s a need for me to visit or someone that I want to meet. I do really want to re-visit New Zealand again but the air ticket price is making me hesitate a lot. I’ve spend a long time thinking of my next holiday and somehow my mind is blank. I hope that this is as a result of my ‘low energy’ moment and hopefully things will.. get better right?

Thanks for reading my random rant and I’m sorry that I’m no longer blogging about travel or drama film locations. Somehow, I haven’t been feeling the motivation to blog about travel as I feel that many people can do a better job than me and I have all my memories on Instagram stories anyway. Similarly, Kdrama film locations are getting more and more predictable and there are many people online that can do it faster and more organized than me. Furthermore, there also hasn’t been a drama that I really love in a long while so.. the motivation is low yet again.

The consolation that I can give myself is that July is ending in 6 more days’ time and I can always wish for a fresh start in a brand new month! Hope I’ll have a little bit more positive energy in my next post. I’m glad that writing really helped me be distracted from the pain and I guess I’m feeling slightly better than before I started. I guess this is what is known as ‘double happiness, divided sorrow’. Cheers and Happy Monday ^^